Dear Henry,

I always woke up before you. I don’t know if you noticed or not because I stayed still. I laid there with my hand on your chest. feeling the blood pump in and out of your heart. filling every organ with oxygen and keeping everything together for just one more day. I used to think it was just for me. that we met because the universe wanted someone like you in my life.

for a while you kept me sane. made me feel less alone. I tried to be less crazy for you. and it worked. for a while. but it was too much to hide in a corner of my mind. so it seeped out. slowly building up and poisoning our love every day.

I didn’t want to lose you. you became so important in my life. but I couldn’t handle it. the crazy in me you never understood. never even tried to understand. I’m so sorry now. I couldn’t keep the crazy off you. I know now how much it affected you.

I think about you once in a while. what went wrong, what went right. some days I miss you terribly. but I realize you’re probably better off now. to be honest, I am too. I wish I could promise to see you but the doctors won’t let me. I have to move on with my life, you see. I can’t live in the past anymore.

I hope this letter finds you well. I remember my favorite place at stoneybrook was the armchair by the window. I used to stare and imagine being with you. I wonder if you do the same now. I can’t help feeling as if what happened to you was my fault, but the doctors tell me it would’ve happened anyways.

I have some library books to return, so I should end this letter. I’ve been at the coffee shop writing this for far too long. be well my dear. hopefully one day I run into you on the street when you’re better and the doctors release you. until then, keep faith.

xo,
E

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