the only living boy in new york.

california- where dreams are made

i haven’t written here for over 2 months. so much has changed and yet still so much is the same.
i am falling deeper (or was this past week) into my depression. the last time i was this bad was three years ago, my freshman year spring semester. although i’m functioning (mostly), i’m avoiding my most important academic priorities. all i really have is my school-life. my social life could be better. i don’t have enough internship/professional experience. my work life doesn’t even matter except the money and the people i work with. my finances are a disaster. so idk, with this semester basically a failure, i am unsure of what the next steps are.

one good thing that has come out of this semester is that i met a guy. technically i met him last semes but we started hanging out at the beginning of march. things honestly went too perf during march with him. i feel like i’ve actually grown through this experience though. i’m more honest with myself. and i’m not scared of being myself around him. i’m more open now. i’m alright with being a little bit vulnerable. there’s always the possibility of getting hurt, by anything really, just by taking a risk. but it’s good to know that the risk is usually worth it. other times, it just gives you a good story.

in the end, all life truly is, is a combination of experiences. they’re usually never good or bad, except when we place judgment on it. life experiences are here to teach our souls new lessons.

all i can do is to take it one day at a time, focusing on one thing at a time. knowing that the universe loves me 100% just because i am a child of the universe (as we all are) is the most bittersweet feeling right now. it’s a feeling of warmth and radiance, but also a tiny pang of bitterness because i don’t believe 100% that i deserve it. which is silly, yes, but another thing i still need to work on.

xoxo,
Rococo

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