play with your conscience

School begins again and everything feels new once more. Different classes, brand new now, will get old by the end of three and a half months. So much has happened since finals week last semester until now and it’s really how crazy how fast everything changes.

I’ve been to LA and back. One of my really good friends and I took a trip for a week during the last week of winter break. It felt so much more like home there; the sunshine makes me so happy. Unlike this nightmare that I live in here with the winter that makes everything worse.

I’m not in a good mood today and I don’t know why. Too much of being around others is what I think it is. I need to get away by myself. Just be alone for a little bit. I need to re-evaluate my life. I didn’t really get a chance to over break because I worked a lot, hung out at home with family, and hung out on campus with friends. I am getting stressed and anxious because I haven’t had enough alone time. Time to get my thoughts in order. My mind isn’t set right at the moment.

I am getting jealous of my friend. This happens and I need to learn to let it go. We all are different and there is no need for jealousy. Just need to remember to be present and appreciate who I am and what my life is about. The lack I seem to think I have is only the lack of love I have for myself. I need to work on that as well.

I also feel the need to get attention from guys right now and I don’t know what that’s about. I want them to like me and I want everyone (ladies and gents) to like me too. I want to be a good, fun, and interesting person that everyone wants to hang out with. I kind of want a bf but I don’t want to be vulnerable and get hurt. I wish I could turn off my emotions and not give any fucks. I’m exhausted from this first week of school.

I hate when I think something is going to happen and get expectations hyped up for it. And then when it doesn’t happen, I turn into a prissy bitch and throw a bitchfit to get my way. I need to grow up. I sound like such a child. But when I don’t get my way, I find a way to make it happen or I find something else to move on to. And that’s what I feel like right now, packing up and moving on to something else.

I want to hang out with different people, meet new people, and find a guy who likes me back as well. Why is this so much to ask for? I hate how in your twenties there are so many things to figure out. It’s so stressful.

Just a rant.

This too shall pass.


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