“Am I free or am I tied up?”

My dog snores.

– Animal by Miike Snow

I am tired. I feel a heaviness all around me.
It’s days like these that I wish I could be happy & grateful for all that I have.
But it’s especially difficult today.
I am scared of moving forward.
I move into a new place tomorrow.
And I am terrified.
Why? I don’t know.
I am scared to start classes next week.
I am scared for sorority recruitment.
I have doubts that I can live up to all that I am committing to.
I have a lot of anxiety right now.
I am getting more nervous the closer the time moves to when I have to leave for work.
I am not right in my heart right now.
It could be that I haven’t worked out in two weeks.
I usually feel better after I work out, like I can take on the world.
But I am lacking in that regard.
I don’t feel free right now. I am stuck in the middle of things I have to do and I resent that.
I want to be happy. I want to be creative. I want to give to the world.
I need to be more assertive and confident and less passive.
Basically I need to have an opinion about how I want to live my life and who I want to be.
But I feel so unsure about everything. I just know that I don’t like myself as is right now.
I feel as I could fall back into ruts and I need to stop thinking. More feeling, less thinking.
Thinking always makes me sad.

It’s the last day of August. And usually August is my favorite month. This year, it was not.
My favorite month was June & July, when I was taking my summer classes.
Those days truly felt like summer. With freedom & sunshine.
Now I don’t feel as though I have much of either.
A year ago I was traveling to Italia to study abroad in Florence.
I miss that time so much. I really wish I could travel to Europe now.

This post is really melancholy but I need to get it out of my system so I can be more positive again.
I want to be happy again.

xoxo,
Rococo

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