“And It Feels Like I Am Just Too Close To Love You”

“And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There’s nothing I can really say
I can’t lie no more
I can’t hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I’ll be on my way”
-Too Close by Alex Clare

It’s been over a week since I’ve posted. I have been procrastinating writing. I can’t seem to face myself lately. I haven’t wanted to see the truth. Just wanted to live in denial. I went to my parent’s house for the weekend. It’s Wednesday and I’m still here. I need to go back to campus and resume my life. But everything’s different because I am done with my summer classes. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t have classes to hide behind and I need to focus on my career aspirations of starting online publications/blogs that I’m really passionate about. But I’m scared. Completely terrified and paralyzed. Do I really want this? Can I really do this? What if I fail? I need to put those doubts aside.

I have always been terrified to live. But why does everything seem so scary?

I need to overcome these feelings and push through to keep going. Life begins on the edge of your comfort zone. And that’s where I need to start living. I can’t let my fears and my ego stop me from living my dreams and living the life I want. Because if I don’t start living now, when will I start? In 80 years when I’m on my deathbed? I think not. Life is happening now whether I want it to or not. I need to accept the situation and learn from this experience to move forward with my life. I am sick of being stuck in this resistant mind frame. I don’t want anything to stop be from living my potential. And if I’m the only one standing in my way now, how will it be when there are external obstacles?

I need to face my truth that I am the only one holding myself back with my limiting beliefs. My life is in my control and I tend to forget that from time to time. It’s hard visiting my parents because I don’t feel as though they are living up to their potential. They’re living in denial and it’s clear to see to anyone but them. But they don’t even have a little bit of a desire to change. They’re so passive and comfortable in their routines that they can’t even see that they’re dying living like that every day. I don’t know how to wake them up. I feel as though I’m alone with my dreams; as though they can’t help me at all. And that’s frustrating. So very frustrating. I feel as though I’m the only person in my family born with a dose of ambition and big dreams. I don’t even know where this came from. But I certainly didn’t get it from my parents.

I feel like I am a lot different than the rest of my family. I don’t know how I even fit in with those people I’m related to. I don’t understand why I have to be so different. Or so it seems like I am very different. I’ve never been able to look up to my parents as role models. Because I see how they live and that’s not how I want to live. They don’t like trying anything new and I thrive off an adventure. I would love to pack up and travel the world right now. All I’d need is a camera and my computer and I’d be set. But my parents (or rather, my mother) don’t have any desire to do anything new and exciting and I don’t understand why they limit themselves to the things that they know.

Am I limiting myself to the things that I know?
Am I living like they are which is creating tension in my subconscious?
How do I move past the limiting beliefs and doubts that are in my mind?

As Rilke once wrote, “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions.”

So I’ll sit with these questions and meditate on what the universe is trying to tell me today. And I’ll invite more questions in. Without self reflection, there cannot be growth. I’m ready to grow into something new. Let’s try something new. Every moment is always brand new.

What questions are you trying to live with today?
What things do you still need to learn?


2 Responses to ““And It Feels Like I Am Just Too Close To Love You””
  1. B says:

    Your parents are allowing you to stay in their house, eat their food, and treat you with patience and love. To thank them, you take, take, take, and then retire to your old bedroom to talk shit about them to any faceless person who stumbles upon your blog looking for the name of the singer whose lyrics begin the post. Look, dude, I’m sure you’re a decent guy, but don’t project your fear of being a big boy on your parents, whose big dream is very likely to see their son become an independent man. Self-reflection is fine, but while you’re doing that, get a job of some kind. Don’t have too much pride to do shit work you think your schooling makes you too smart for. We all want to travel the world with no responsibility, but that’s not real life, so find a clean shirt, pound the pavement, and start begging for work. Before that, though, haul ass downstairs and thank your folks for everything. Good luck.

    • B says:

      Just realized your name is rococo, not rocco. Probably a lady then. So…..all of the above still stands, just different pronouns.

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