“You Suppose Robots Would Enjoy Listening To Music?”

“You suppose robots would enjoy listening to music?
You figure that if robots are electronic creations they’d enjoy listening to electronic music.
You think you could create a scientific synthetic.
It would not only send our metal friends but would also be fascinating to human ears.
You already have, it’s on the other side of the record.
I can’t wait to hear it.”
-BMX by Aesop Rock featuring Blueprint & Rob Sonic

Sunday I found myself in a hazy cloud, as I drank a little too much the night before.
I couldn’t shake this out of my mental head-space since.
I also didn’t have time (honestly, I didn’t make time) to go to the rec Sunday before work either.

I woke up late this morning for my English class which didn’t help much.
I’ve felt funky all day since I lounged around Sunday and have been only thinking of projects I want to start all day.
(Yet as much as I feel pulled to put these projects into action, I am quite scared to go further than daydreaming about what I could do. Because I feel like I can’t match up to the greatness in my head? Possibly.)
But I had this nagging feeling that I had to go to the rec to work out and get the funkiness out of my system.
I felt weird that I had this feeling; I feel like I’m getting addicted to working out.
But it’s good for you and I’m very motivated lately by my progress.
I stayed for 20 minutes so I could shower & leave for class, but eventually ended up skipping it because I feel better if I’m the one wasting my time rather than my professor who’s really no good at teaching this class yet.

After I worked out and walking back, I was basking in the glow of the sunshine and the adrenaline (endorphins?) running through my body and I felt infinitely lighter and more clear-headed.
I realized that am beginning to feel strange if I don’t work out at least once a day and I hope it’s just because I’m motivated to reach my weight goals and being healthy instead of getting addicted and falling into my disordered eating like I used to be entrenched in during my middle school/high school years.
It could also be because I am stressed because it is finals week for my summer classes and I don’t have enough time to study/sleep AND work during all of this.
Next week will be amazingly more relaxing once these classes are over! (AKA I can’t fucking wait.)

On another strange note, (my life doesn’t feel normal lately), I had a dream Saturday night that J (yes, the guy J that I mentioned before), had an eating disorder.
Don’t ask me how this came about, you know about as much as I do about my subconscious.
(It’s a strange land in there, don’t get lost).

I am listening to Aesop Rock’s new album, Skelethon, which is absolutely amazing.
A few of my friends went to his concert last Thursday, but seeing as I’ve been broke for the last two weeks since my previous paycheck, I was unable to go with.
(On another note, I have money now! … Money that’s all going towards bills and non-fun things, unfortunately.)
I’ve realized that I need to make more money each month.
I’ve calculated that I should be making an extra $300 per month to pay for my basic essentials (a roof, food, gas, books, etc).
Why am I so expensive?
Note to self: kids are expensive, BEWARE.
Anyways, this has lit a burning desire in me to actually put my project ideas into actions which, incidentally, ALSO terrifies the hell outta me.
I need to get better at losing my doubts and fears, but alas, they’ve carved out a nice space in my head so they might stay a while before I get the courage to kick them out.
Ah, the joys of being me.
I’ve been at the coffee shop for how many hours and I haven’t studied at all?
I don’t understand why procrastination is so appealing when I really don’t have any time for it.
(Go away you procrastination devil. I’m trying to get stuff done here.)

In conclusion, I feel a little crazy this week which needs to stop so I can get stuff done.
Hopefully I can meditate and calm down.
Possibly.
I need to figure out how to focus.
My attention is all over the damn place.

xoxo,
Rococo

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