“And Never Spend Your Money On A Necklace”

“I gotta fake ID and a check list
It goes never meet a girl on Craig’s List
And never spend your money on a necklace
3 square meals, homie, gotta have breakfast
Real shit, she be payin’ for the date…

Imma do shit that just piss them off
Say you never heard me it’s your loss”
– No Interruptions x Hoodie Allen

All American (album) by Hoodie Allen (specifically: No Faith in Brooklyn & No Interruptions which are amazing songs)
Springsteen by Eric Church
Fastest Girl in Town by Miranda Lambert
Summertime Sadness by Lana del Rey
Ho Hey by The Lumineers
Little Talks and Love Love Love by Of Monsters and Men
Tongue Tied and Colours by Grouplove
Even If It Breaks Your Heart by Eli Young Band
Mercy by Kanye West
Ships In The Night by Mat Kearney

I haven’t posted here in over 8 months.
I had this nagging feeling, but I didn’t want to for fear of being whiny and how much time had passed.
A lot of things have happened.
But I don’t want to detail everything now.
I’m going to try to sum up my thoughts now, but I apologize in advance for they are a bit scattered.

I read a few of the last posts I wrote and damn, so many thinking thoughts. (And also, very insightful).
I see now how I was drowning so long ago (or not so long ago, it seems).
I can say that I’m better now, not completely where I want to be, but a helluva lot closer.
I have a job at h&m that I absolutely love. (The people I work with are great).
I am taking two summer classes & I did well in my classes last spring.
I am living on campus too.
I feel so much more independent; financially, mentally, emotionally, physically.
I am paying completely for my rent this summer & I have extra money. I rely less on my parents financially and this has been such a blessing because I believe so much more that I can create the life I want. (I feel I have also removed the blocks I had about money/my financials.. i.e. not feeling like I deserve to have money; that having money is greedy, etc.)

I’ve been itching to write in here for the past week.
I have been having the feeling that a storm is coming. Not a bad one, but the feeling that this is the calm before everything changes. I need to get stronger to prepare for what’s going to happen next.

I saw a lot of people last week from high school and it’s amazing how much we all change. And I am glad that I can say I’ve changed for the better. I’m doing something with my life and I still have my fiery ambitions.
I’m becoming a whole person. I love myself completely now. I’m always working on bettering myself.
I don’t need attention from others to prove my worth. I don’t need anything emotionally from other people to feel okay about myself. I love myself and that’s all that matters.

At the beginning of summer, I was a lot more unhappy than I am now. I still hadn’t committed to creating a life worth living. And now I’m fully committed. I love myself more each day. I am doing more things that I am passionate about and I am more happy as each day passes. I am writing more (articles aka blog posts and fiction) and I started a blog to write about things and I will be able to use it for my professional writing examples. I have small business ideas that are feasible right now & things that I want to work on and I believe I can do them. #Win.

The issues I’m working on right now:
– Killing my Indecisiveness
– Being more assertive
– Not expecting things of others (my imaginative thoughts get me in trouble when the stories in my head don’t match up with reality)
– Loving myself & others unconditionally
– Learning to be okay with the phrase “people care about me”
– Committing to things more (not scared of what will happen or letting my fears or doubts get the better of me)
– Letting my soul lead my life instead of being paralyzed by my fear/ego
– Learning patience
– Learning that being vulnerable is a sign of strength, not weakness

(Warning for the following paragraphs: when I meditate, my soul imparts wisdom to me, if I am quiet enough to hear it. It’s the whisper of the universe. (Some people could call it the words of “God”, but since I don’t believe in Christianity, that’s not whose voice I hear.) Anyways, I hope you can bear with me and not consider me crazy.)

I had the thought last week, one morning as soon as I woke up, (that my soul told me), that in one year I will be living in NY. (Or that I have to be). Not California, not Minnesota, not anywhere in Europe but New York City. I don’t know why this thought occurred to me or how I know it will come true, but sometime in 2013, near the end of summer or in December, I will move to live in NY. I know this truth in my soul unlike anything else. And I know I have to make this come true because it’s my destiny. I feel as though I could make it in NY a little easier than CA in a year, not sure why I think this, but again, something is telling me this.

Another thing that my soul needs me to work on is learning patience. Not everything has to happen right away for it to happen at all. “A Delay is Not A Denial” (thedailylove.com). I spent one night last week hanging out with this guy that I’ve known since high school, which will here be mentioned as J. I’ve known J for 6 (!) years. Crazy, right? Anyways, we talked about a lot of things and I admitted that I have had a small crush on him since we met. There’s just something there. And instead of running away from admitting that in the first place, I was able to be strong, be completely myself, be honest and vulnerable. (All in one moment, talk about progress!) And I don’t know how exactly our relationship will change in the future, but I am okay with not knowing. Nothing needs to happen right now to validate that was the right move. Because this experience will help me be stronger in the future with talking about and being honest about my feelings. Which is a big step for me (as you probably realize from this pseudonym blogging).

The next day, I made some realizations and some things helped me put this experience into perspective. I had put a little piece of my heart into a box specifically for J. And I realized that I didn’t need attention from him or anything from him to fill my heart again or make me feel whole again BECAUSE the universe loves me so much that I receive 100x that amount of love every day. The universe fills me up with love and I don’t need anyone else’s love to feel complete. This is a huge realization for me.

There’s no game-playing to get attention from guys or anyone else, or pretending to be something I’m not to get somebody’s approval. Because the universe loves me for being perfectly imperfect every day. I have detached from any expectations I could have placed on him and for this, I can enjoy life, I can enjoy whatever might come from this experience and I am open to meeting new guys and nothing is completely invested in this one relationship which makes me feel so much freer to choose the life I want, the one I deserve. Patience has allowed me to detach from this situation and save myself mental anguish over imagined meanings and stories I would’ve attached to it. I can’t even gush about how proud I am for this level-up in my emotional development (I probably have enough by now though, haha.)

This was a lot to process & then re-process by writing it all out, so I think I’m done now. Phew.



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