“He tore me apart because I really loved him.”

– Abducted by Cults

#np: Mac Miller, Florence & The Machine, Cults

Words come to my head at night. They stay a while and then float away.
I feel like the only thing I have anymore are my thoughts.
My mind feels like a safer place than the outside world. With (gasp!) people?!
Sometimes it feels like too much.

And I was noticing the other day how my actions affect those around me.
It got me to thinking. (What the hell else do I do anyways?)
How far am I willing to go to ALWAYS be right? Alienate others?
What am I learning here?
Why do we always want what we don’t have?
Who do I really want to become?

Menomena – Wet & Rusting
“It’s hard to take risks. With a pessimist.”

So true.
I need to flow more.
Stop standing in my own way.
Stop doing things to impress others.
I need to love myself more and follow my heart.

There’s only growth in conflict.
I need to cut the bullshit & stop with the excuses.

The only person holding me back from becoming a better person who’s fully engaged & passionately living out my dream is me.

There’s no one else telling me no but my own mind.

Avoidance and procrastination.
Those two things are big things I need to work on.
I have a hard time motivating myself to get things done.
I’d rather go to sleep. Take a nap. Than stand up and face the world.
I feel like a coward.
Not being able to do my homework because it seems like some big monster coming to eat me alive.
And by avoiding homework, school, for example, the problem becomes bigger and bigger and it’s a vicious cycle.
Everything is easier when you face it head on.
When you just do it and just get it done.
But somehow my brain doesn’t make that connection.
It would rather hide from problems than deal and move on.
I lack the courage and strength to handle it.
I lack the belief that everything will be okay and work out the way it’s supposed to.
If only I could act on what would be good things to do.
Rationally, logically, I know I should do my schoolwork.
Plan things out and work on each class for at least a 1/2 hour or hour per day.
And I know with this I wouldn’t get overwhelmed.
But it never happens.
I never put in that first minute to start.
Because it seems too hard, I give up before I give myself a chance to prove myself.

And it’s not just homework, it’s all the other issues I have that I’m slowly working on.
Recognizing all of this stuff is one of the first steps to get over it.

Went out with some people last night. We went to a friend’s apartment to play beer pong.
I wasn’t in the best place to be drinking, to be honest. Although I thought I was.
People said things to me, offhand comments, that really pissed me off.
One girl mentioned how I always need attention. Or something along those lines.
I thought it was really rude and I almost couldn’t believe that she said that.
But I wouldn’t have gotten upset about it if it wasn’t true, at least a little, right?
All of our relationships and events in our lives are mirrors of how we act and feel.
It’s still hard to hear from other people, the truth that you try to hide from yourself.

I’ve let it sink in and I’m wondering what I need to do to stop needing attention from everyone else.
I’ve been vying for attention for my entire life.
Attention from my parents, my friends, my teachers, everyone I know.
As if to prove that I matter and I have a reason to exist. That I’m not just some girl.
That I belong someplace. That people care about me.
There’s this little girl inside me who feels like I was starved of love.
Truth is, I probably wasn’t, but that’s how it seems.
And it’s like I do everything to prove my right to exist.
I feel like a burden on everyone around me. Wasted space.
It’s a heavy heart to carry.

Writing this all out makes me so tired and sleepy.
We’re making Thanksgiving dinner now because we had class yesterday and people would’ve rather have all day today to cook. Makes sense. But now, I just want to skip it.

It’s like no one else has to deal with what I have to deal with and I’m envious of that.
But in reality, they have their own stuff to deal with. It seems like everyone else is better at hiding it than me. I know my eyes give me away, but no one knows what it really means.

I feel haunted. Haunted by demons and devils, especially with my depression.
I carry them around all day. I haven’t figured out a way to get rid of them yet.
Once that day comes, I’ll feel so light and free.

xoxo,
Rococo

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