“Lay me down. Let the only sound. Be the overflow”

“That’s what the water gave us

So lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones

Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow”
-What The Water Gave Me by Florence and the Machine

#np: Florence & The Machine, Mac Miller, Coldplay

I’ve been in it lately, thinking thoughts.
Adrift about life and everything contained within that four letter word.
The longer that I’m here, the more I have time to meditate and reflect without the normal distractions of trying to get ahead, (do more, be more, etc) like I do at home.
It’s simpler here.
The sights are different. It triggers different things in my mind.
I see things here and connect them differently than I have before.
I’ve been feeling this emotional hole. Some days more than others.
Some days it’s a struggle just to get up and get ready for class and leave the apartment.
It’s in those times that I feel like I regress to a child, wishing I could stay home, as though I was sick and have some soup and sleep.
Some days the sunshine is just too overwhelming when the day starts.
A few days ago, it just felt like there were the demons in my head, wreaking havoc on my thoughts, destroying my mind.
As if something is in my head, on the outskirts, gnawing at me and I just can’t shake it out.
Those days feel heavy, grey and hazy.
I try to fill this emotional void with food, the absence of food, drugs, alcohol, love, and the absence of love.

. . .

This morning, and this past week, I’ve been thinking a lot about N. I don’t know why, but he’s invading my thoughts lately. And I feel like I miss him but I don’t understand why. Why do I like him so much? Why do I feel like I need him so much when I know rationally I don’t?
I don’t really think it was actually him that I needed.
I really didn’t like the idea of him- military, too raunchy of a sense of humor, christian, too young, etc.
Those are all details anyways.

But I liked the generalities of him, he was independent, strong, made me feel safe and gave me attention.

And that’s what I needed at that time because I didn’t feel like I had that.
I didn’t feel independent enough, (because I’m still financially dependent on my parents which is another frustrating issue for another time) even though I quite am otherwise.
I didn’t feel strong enough to handle life on my own. Not strong enough to weather life’s ups and downs. Not strong enough to be able to love myself. Not strong enough to be assertive and recognize my needs and be able to actually figure out how to fulfill them. Not strong enough to stand up to the doubters of my life, my passions, my individuality. Not strong enough to stand up to be me. Completely and wholly and uniquely, me.
I didn’t feel safe to be myself. Safe enough to be secure with who I was. Safe enough to pursue my passions. I didn’t feel safe to be in social situations that I couldn’t control.
I wanted attention because attention is equated with love, in my eyes. Attention means you’re good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough to be on par with everyone else in the room. I didn’t love myself enough to think I deserved attention.

(Love itself is another thing I feel like I lack.
I don’t know why, but it’s like I need reassurance from everyone around me that I’m still someone worthy of their love.
I feel like I have to always work for it. It never comes for free.
Or without conditions.
Love is something that’s always been elusive to me. The concept, the feeling is completely lost on me. I don’t understand it. It’s just biological, right?)

But I write all of this as if it’s all completely in the past. But truth be told, it’s not. Not fully.
I feel more independent here being in Italy by myself. But being independent isn’t the most important thing, because “no man is an island.” And reading some advice columns lately, (Cary Tennis’ Salon posts, Since You Asked-most insightful things I’ve read in a while) it has come to my attention that I may take the idea of being independent to the extreme. I’m trying to slowly learn that trusting people is okay, not everyone is out to hurt me.

But it’s important to recognize that we all come with different baggage from our pasts and we have all learned how the world works in different ways and thus act and interpret things through our own individual lens of how we perceive the world.

I feel stronger being here because I know that I am capable of solving problems efficiently and adjust to living in a different culture. I feel stronger because I can recognize when I’m in a sort of mood and need to be alone. I’m getting better at recognizing what I need to be happy and acting on that. My indecisiveness has rarely plagued me here because I’m very focused on doing things that I actually want to do and organizing my priorities based on what will make me happy. I’m learning to be less perfectionistic and learning to love myself more, strengths, flaws and all. I am a person, just like the rest of us and we all deserve to love ourselves.

I’m learning how to love myself more and within that, I feel safer to be who I truly am. I don’t need to hide anymore because I’m scared of judgment, from others and from myself. Recognizing how judgmental I used to be and loosening my grip on it is probably the single thing I’m most happy for that’s happened while I’ve been here. I’ve realized that my judging others is only a projection of my insecurities and flaws. My judgments stemmed from younger years, when I didn’t feel like I was good enough to be me. Trying to be cool is one of the most damaging things you can try to fit into when you’re younger. And yet, everyone tries. It comes from the insecurity and that nagging feeling that you’re not keeping up with everyone else instead of relaxing and having fun. While I judged others, I judged myself for doing those same behaviors which silenced me into being more of a timid person in group social situations, increasing (creating?) a sort of social anxiety. And by me losing these judgments, I lose my insecurities and free myself from the cage I’ve boxed myself into.
I feel freer to be me.

And these insecurities of not being good enough, not being pretty enough, smart enough or interesting enough has pushed me into trying to be successful in different ways to prove myself. And it’s making me wonder about the real reasons why I do some of the things I do and why I feel the need to become rich and successful. Some of those reasons would include the need to feel powerful and important. Important enough to actually matter as an individual in today’s society.

It’s fascinating how these underlying issues twist and turn in our subconscious, making us chase after things, material objects, jobs, boyfriends all to signify our status in society. These issues create conflict and the underlying motivation as to why we do anything at all. The combination of these issues is unique to each one of us, although we all have some similarities.

It’s amazing to me how deep our subconscious’ actually are. All the little things they hold onto, thoughts, feelings and memories of the past that influence our lives now. And it’s so easy to feel out of control when you don’t realize that these vices are controlling you. That sense of longing that you carry around day to day is because of these issues that you haven’t faced yet. Your soul knows what you need to face, but it’s fucking hard.

It’s like the demons that you ignore feed from the lack of attention and grow bigger in the corner of your mind, waiting patiently for its chance to pull you down with it.

That’s all I have for now. So emotionally draining to think and process all of this. And once you’ve realized the problems, where do the solutions come from? Another time, another day.

Florence & The Machine – “What The Water Gave Me”

This video and song is amazing. It reminds my soul of another time and chills me to the bones. In other words, it’s really fucking epic. I love it.

xoxo,
Rococo

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