“So I sip his drink as I hold his gaze”

“When we erupt in to the room
And hear the sub go boom
A feeling easy to resume
This right here I swear will end too soon

So I sink in to the tune
As I inhale the fume
A feeling easy to resume
This right here I swear will end to soon”
– Katy On A Mission by Katy B

#np: Cults, Katy B, Mac Miller, Atmosphere, Wugazi, Wiz Khalifa

“Tell me what’s wrong with my brain,
Cause I seem to have lost it”
-You Know What I Mean by Cults

I’ve changed.
I’m different now.
Than I was a year ago, 3 months ago, last month, last week, yesterday.
.. Right?
And with all of this self-reflection and realizing these self-evident truths I was blind to before,
I am different. I’ve grown, become a better person.

So why do I feel like the same old insecure bitch?
I feel like I haven’t changed at all.
I feel myself swimming and drowning in this same old rut.

Realizations hit me like I’ve suddenly woken from a dream.
Which is to say, it’s hard to readjust to what the hell’s going on.
Enter confusion, being lost and not understanding anything.
It’s like culture shock when you don’t know the language or anyone around you.
(Sometimes I wish I could just live in my dreams)

When I went to the party Friday night to see everyone & hang out,
I felt awkward and insecure, not sure of what to do with myself,
Not knowing what to do..
“Do I look okay? Who’s over there? Who should I talk to? What should I talk about?”
Thoughts running through my mind.
I can never relax.
I get so stressed out over social situations.
They never come easy.
And I never feel pretty enough.
Why should what I say/think matter when everyone’s prettier and smarter than me?

Maybe that’s why I’m okay with being alone.
Then it’s only my judgments I have to worry about, instead of a whole other person (or twenty or forty!) to consider.
Let’s not freak out here, shall we?

I’m not confident in myself and I don’t love myself completely, like I should.
And it just makes me wonder..
What am I going to have to do to prove that I deserve to love myself?
What does that look like? When will it happen?
When will it be okay to live the life I want?
When will I stop expecting love from other people to make myself happy?
When will I stop needing to feel validated from external circumstances?
When will I stop needing approval from everyone around me?
Why can’t I be happy just being me?
While we’re at it:
Who am I? What does it mean to ‘just be me’?
Everyday I ignore these questions is another day that my ego rules over my head, drowning me in misery and self-loathing.
Am I brave enough to have the courage to be myself, love myself and let go of caring about what other people think of me?

Sometimes I let my mind wander when all of these thoughts come flooding in.
And I imagine (from my mother’s point of view) that if I had a baby (which is a far far far way off from now, if ever), what would she have to do to make me love her?
And my answer? Nothing. I’d love her (him?) just because she’s alive.

Why should anyone have to prove that they deserve to be loved?
They don’t. We are all of the universe’s children and the universe only wants us to be happy and feel loved.

Somehow I never got that this message applies to me.

Maybe it stems from the fact that I don’t feel like I deserve my parent’s love and attention because I’m not good enough (who’s counting and making these judgments anyway?)
I make mistakes. And I beat myself up for them (because I should be perfect).
And I’m only deserving of love when I’m a good person.

Sitting here, typing out all of these thoughts and realizing the judgments I have sub-consciously believed not even realizing how crazy and unrealistic they are, breaks my heart.
I’ve been living with a nagging feeling my whole life. A hole in my heart.
All because I’ve never truly learned to love and forgive myself.
I would never want anyone to ever feel the way I do.

How judgmental I am about other people are only reflections of what I think about myself.

And now, the question is: how much longer am I going to hold myself back?

Am I brave and courageous enough to let me love myself wholly and completely?
No restrictions, judgments, rules or otherwise? Pure unconditional love?

The fact is, I’m scared. Terrified.
If I give myself over completely to the universe, it means I can’t keep hiding. I can’t be scared. I have to be brave. I can’t stay comfortable anymore. I can’t play it safe anymore. I have to go out and make my dreams happen. Like, truly and really put my whole heart into living my life and loving myself and not settling for less than what I deserve.

I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.

But, hopefully, soon I will be.


3 Responses to ““So I sip his drink as I hold his gaze””
  1. You have such a unique style, I’ve never seen anything quite like it. If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? Your writing feels youthful and restless.

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