“Let go, Life does get tough. No need to stress.”

“Where will you be for the revolution?”
-REVOFEV by Kid Cudi

Went shopping with my mother yesterday.
We were looking for luggage that I can take on my trip to Italy.
I’m really going to Italy.
This is sinking in more and more each day :)
#25days
I can’t wait. I know it’s going to be amazing.

So, thinking thoughts & epiphanies, round #421324839
Texted N last night cause I couldn’t sleep.
We didn’t talk very long.
But he got a job today, being a bouncer at a ‘bar/night/comedy club’.
And he said that they’re going to let him dj a few nights a week.
Instantly after he told me this, I got insanely jealous.
I have wanted to become a dj/rapper/work at a club as a bartender for over a year now.
And how close am I to reaching that goal?
Not very.
So, for him to get it all of a sudden, makes me jealous cause I want that.
I realized though that this jealously was keeping me from being happy for him.
And that all my jealously towards anyone keeps me from being happy for other people & friends.

I have this need to be validated by others with my outward success.
And when I don’t have that, I don’t feel like I deserve anything.
I need attention for my successes. I want to be respected.
While it’s good to be recognized for hard work,
I feel this need comes from a place of lack, rather than an extra benefit.

I place great importance on work/career/passion and when I’m not living up to my potential, I feel bad about it.
Right now, I’m in a funk and I don’t know what to do about it.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I don’t know how to get what I want.
Although if I let go of the fear about being judged by others for following my dreams, I’d be fine.
Or would I?

So I meditated for a few minutes about it all.
Repeated some affirmations.
I still need to love myself more.
I need to love myself and show this through exercising daily and eating healthy.
I put an emphasis on how my body looks, but I don’t do anything about it.
(It’s pointless complaining about things that you don’t do something about!)
I always say this but yet here I am, not taking my own advice.

I am not happy because I still feel like I don’t deserve to have the things I want.

Now, I feel like I need to be more of an adult, plan out my life a little and be more prepared for the future.
I need to work to earn money to free up time and resources to work towards my dreams.
When I get back from Italy, I want to work gigs/events and also work at the group home I applied for at the beginning of summer. It pays well and I get to help other people and be of service.
Then I can take bartending classes and work towards working at a night club on the weekends.
I don’t need to drink all the time, but being at the party and being social is one of my favorite things.
So I’ll have an excuse not to drink (which I don’t need, but I feel like I do) and can still enjoy myself.
It’s a win-win situation.
And with the extra money I get from my jobs, I can (hopefully) buy a program to work on music.
Which is what I really want to do; create music.
During all of this time, I need to write and get better at rapping.
And then I could get some gigs being a DJ and making a name for myself.
Sounds like a plan.
I need to get back into creative writing soon. I feel like that’s missing from my life right now.
And I need to be comfortable with creating shitty first drafts so I can edit and have a final product.
(And all of this is going towards earning money so I can pay off my student loan debt and be able to travel the world.)

Also, while meditating, I realized something else.
It’s hard for me to say, but here goes..
I am not ready to be in a relationship.
It’s hard for me to say but it’s because I’ve been trying so hard to be in one with N.
(The truth hurts to face sometimes.)
I was more using him for what it could get me, than for the sake of actually wanting to be in a relationship. (And don’t get me wrong, I do like N for who he is and I do like him, but I’ve been trying to force myself into something that I’m not comfortable with yet.)
I want to be in a relationship with someone where the only reason is because I really like the guy, not because I’m kind of thinking about what he can do for me.
I was looking for a relationship because I thought that’s what I should be doing (that’s what everyone else was doing).
I was drawn to N because he seemed stable and he worked out a lot.
Even though I was completely happy being single (and I still am), I thought that having a boyfriend would impress other people more.
Like having this really cute guy into me proved that I was worth something.
I thought it would give me something so I could relate to my sorority sisters more, to prove that I was worth knowing.
It’s like having a relationship makes you someone more important than just being single.
Add in the fact that I still have myself to work on and I know I’m not ready for a relationship.
It really wouldn’t be fair to N to try to make us into something we’re not.
And yeah, since I do like N, it would hurt me to see him with other people, but that’s something else I have to deal with.
I lost touch with what I wanted for myself because of peer pressure.
I wanted to be single for Italy so I could do whatever I wanted there, flirt, kiss, maybe have a romance.
I didn’t want a boyfriend during the summer because I didn’t want a boyfriend during the fall (because I’m studying abroad.)
So having a boyfriend right now, really doesn’t factor in that I want to be able to explore Italy completely on my own and take the time to figure out who I am, rather than spend time worrying about people back in the states, let alone a boy.
I’m not looking for anything serious, and with this in mind, I can realize now that my expectations were out of line.

It’s also funny how I thought I wanted a relationship right now, because I’ve always thought that my soul mate is in New York or Cali or Europe and I wouldn’t meet him for a few years. I want a successful, strong man with a career.
And I don’t like N’s humor (too raunchy) and the fact he wants to be in the military…

Also, we’re not in the same place of mind right now.
He’s a year younger, but he’s starting university for the first time, while I’ve already been at university for two years and am studying abroad trying to figure myself out.

If it’s meant to be, it will happen.
And who knows what will happen when I get back in December.
For now, I want to take life one day at a time.
I want to enjoy each moment.

xoxo,
Rococo

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