“This can’t be living now, if so then show me how”

“This can’t be living now
If so then show me how
We’ll shake, shake, shake
The night away
We shook, shook, shook
The night away

I want a love like this love was young
But will I die as I become
You’ll find it at the bottom of it all

We got it all, we got it all
We got it all, ’til the revolution comes
We got it all, we got it all
We got it all, ’til the revolution comes
I want a world like
My teacher told me it would be
I want a love like
My parents told me it would be”
– Got It All (This Can’t Be Living Now) by Portugal. The Man

Hi, my name is Rococo and I am ridiculous.
Here’s a life lesson: epiphanies come when you meditate & reflect.
Who knew?

So, thinking thoughts. Let’s go.

I am the only one who can make myself miserable. Or happy.
Do as you wish.

Realization: When N got mad at me (a month ago) for that night at the Saloon. I internalized it.
I thought myself a bad person because of it.
(Hey me, that’s not cool.)
I have been trying to make up for it ever since, to “redeem” myself, forgive myself, to try to make N like me (again?). . . HOW POINTLESS.
How do you fix something that was never broken?
How do you make up for something that wasn’t really wrong in the first place?
Fact is: you can’t.
So no matter how much I thought I was “sacrificing” to make things work. Didn’t matter.
Because I didn’t do anything wrong.
I have been making myself miserable since because I thought I had.
Reality’s a bitch but I prefer cold, hard facts than sweet lies.

I’m letting this go. Right now.
N obvi doesn’t care, but I did some transference and thought that if he cared about me, he’d be upset and would want to talk about it (like I would, if I was in that situation).
If he doesn’t want to talk, he either
A) doesn’t care or
B) isn’t upset
.. So why am I still making myself feel bad over it?

Gah, I need to get my head checked.

If it’s supposed to happen it will.
Have faith in the universe.
Trust the universe.
Detach from the outcome.
Let it be.
Let go of expectations.

Why do I need N to like me?
Fact: I don’t. It doesn’t matter what he thinks because I’m still going to live my life anyways.
I am woman, hear me roar.

Hey mind, quit over-analyzing everything! You’re digging us into a rut/ditch! Not cool!
Wake up already, would you?

You have a fabulous life. Wonderful friends. Amazing experiences.
Take advantage of that!

And p.s. you didn’t make out with that kid from this weekend because you’re finally learning some Real Self Respect (with a capital RSR, bitch).

Stop blaming others.
Don’t transfer your emotions and your expectations onto others.
Detach.
Let go.
Feel free.
Love yourself.
You’re all that you’ve got.
You’re all that you need.
Live it.
Love it.
Be it.

Hello peace of mind!

xoxo
Rococo

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