“I can feel a hot one taking me down”

“And you were holding on to make a point,
What’s the point?”
– I Can Feel A Hot One by Manchester Orchestra

Such weird dreams last night.
And I woke up this morning thinking about N.
The more I thought about it, the more upset and angry I became.
I’m gonna try to let this flow onto here so it’s out of my head.
I didn’t realize how much this was affecting me before now.
I feel like I’ve been holding onto these feelings and I just want to let them go.

It’s really not fair being held up to a standard without the benefits of such.
Someone, no matter how great they are, can expect someone else to be “faithful” without being in a committed relationship that the two of them have agreed upon.
I was making excuses for N to make it work out, but not anymore.
This isn’t fair to me.
I understand the being upset part, but if this were to happen to me, I’d let it go and move on, especially if the other person said it didn’t mean anything. I’d trust them.
I’m really easygoing and carefree, most of the time.
And when it comes to whether or not I can trust people, I usually have a good sense about that.
I respect myself and I don’t stand for bullshit in my life.
He told me that we would talk about it all and we haven’t yet. It’s been over a month.
I feel like this has been hanging over my head since it happened.
We haven’t cleared the air. And it makes me not trust him.
I just don’t know how he feels and I’m sick of patiently waiting.
I never wait around like this for anyone.
I really like him and want this to work out.
But I just can’t live this way anymore. I can’t do it.

I was at a party Saturday night, mostly with people I barely knew, but I made the best of it and hung out and had a great time.
There was this guy who I could tell he wanted to kiss and make out, but I didn’t. I made sure not to.
All because of N.
And you know what? I realized that I’m in between being single and having a boyfriend without the benefits of either.
I’m not in a relationship, but I can’t make out/flirt/date other people because of N?
That’s not fair. And I’m a stickler for fairness. It’s the most important thing to be.
That things balance out.
It’s not fair for him to expect that out of me. And I have been letting him.
Not anymore.
Something has to give. I’m not respecting myself by doing this when I don’t even know if N likes me.
There’s so many mixed signals and I know I over analyze, but that helps.

He hasn’t texted me first in a while. He doesn’t make plans with me.
I do all the work. Even though, it’s not really work at all, but you know what I mean.
If a guy likes you, he would try too. At least more effort than what he’s been showing lately.
I just can’t do this without talking to him.
He knows me. If he wants to be in a relationship, he’d know it.
What are we? Just friends? Well there needs to be boundaries, then.
This is wearing me out.
I just need to know where we stand.
I don’t know how good of friends we can be if we decide not to go for it, because I still have feelings for him.
We both know it’s hard to go to being just friends after knowing more.
If we decide to be just friends, then I’m going to need a lot more distance to get over him.
I hope it doesn’t come down to that.
I really do want us to work out. I just need to know he wants us to too.
I mean, I don’t need him to say we’re in a relationship right this second, especially if he’s not ready.
I’ll understand. But I need to know if we’re more than friends or not.
I just need a little more clarity from this situation than what I’m getting.
I’ve been trying to make this work, but I can’t do it alone.

But when I’m holding onto this, there’s no room for something better to happen, if it’s supposed to.
There’s no extra mental space to even let something else in.
I let him ruin my month of July. A whole month just wasted on pining over him.

Are you in or are you out?
Cause I can’t keep wasting energy towards you without hurting myself.

xoxo
Rococo

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