“Are you hiding secrets from me?”

“Is there more to this life that I can’t see?
What will I find out over time?
Waiting for the moment to arrive.
Why are you lying there?
What Are you hiding there?

Hide away, why do you hide away from me?
Hide yourself, why do you hide your face from me?
I’m the only one that can save you now.
I’m the only one that can save you now.

Do you like the shadows in there?
Keep me in the dark now, are you scared?
Will the truth ever set you free?
Tell me, will you buckle at your knees?”

-Pray Tell by Anberlin

I’ve been busy all day doing meaningless nothings.
Just to pass the time.
All the while avoiding what I should be doing.
Living my potential.
Why can’t I work towards my dreams?
I’m afraid. Scared. Frightened.
I have doubts I’m good enough to live my dreams.
So I pretend I’m busy to avoid the disappointment.
So much disappointment in myself.
Just stress wondering if I’ll ever be good enough to make money, create wealth.
It’s back to the beginning.
I never feel like I deserve anything.
I try to, I really do.
But it doesn’t work.
I’m falling back into old thoughts.
I never feel good enough.
I need to get the fuck over this.
Why don’t I feel good enough?
I always get caught up in my depression.
My grand desires, my great plans, my fantastic dreams aren’t practical enough to satisfy my parents.
I’m afraid no one will ever understand me.
I’m too much of a dreamer to ever act on it.
Too much of a dreamer to accomplish anything.
I used to be good at that.
Back in elementary, middle and high school.
But after that, I’ve been failing, flailing, unsure of everything.
My dad always thinks everything he does is better.
And I know I have to believe in myself.
Believe in the way I do things.
I just don’t know how sometimes.

This is so sad and pathetic though.
How I always talk about how truthful I am.
But yet, I can’t talk about this with anyone.
No one cares enough
And they’re all busy worrying about their lives.
And I hurt people who I want to trust me, like N.

I feel alone.
Usually, I’m fine being alone.
I’m working on myself
(What does that even mean??)
But lately, it’s eating away at me.

I feel like a liar.
to myself and everyone else.

I just don’t want to be a burden to others.
I feel as though my parents’ lives would be better if I didn’t depend on them so much.
All the while I thought I was independent.

And yet, even as I write this all out, the solution seems quite simple.
I know that I haven’t found my “tribe” yet as Kelly Cutrone would say.
I’m not fulfilled here.
I feel different than other people at school, than girls in my sorority.
I don’t settle for mediocrity.
And maybe my soul knows this, my heart and my brain know all of this.
And they’re not happy that I’ve been settling.
I don’t fit here
I’m like Alice who’s eaten the cake and is too big for this city.
I need a different place to grow even more.

What I can do now though, is go to Italy in a month.
One month.
I can’t wait.
And after that?
Wait and see?
I know I want to move to NY.
I have to.
I can feel it calling me more than anything.
I just have to figure out how to get there.

I think it’s time to sleep.

Thanks for listening.

xoxo,
Rococo

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