You Might Lose Your Faith In Science…

“..But when I let you down,
look past your doubt
just please,
don’t lose your faith in me.”

#np: Taking Back Sunday, Anberlin, Portugal. The Man.

I don’t even know what or how to think right now.
Hung out with N last night until 4am.
We didn’t talk about anything serious,
just enjoyed each other’s company.
It felt normal.

I’m still scared of getting hurt.
I have a hard time trusting people.
Still.
Even though I’ve been trying to work on it.

I’m overanalyzing. And I know it.
But I can’t help it.

I don’t even know what I want.
I can’t tell what will be best for me.

I should let go.
Just flow and see what happens.
But that’s hard.

So many questions floating in my head.

Is he still mad at me?
Doesn’t he want to talk?
Do I want a boyfriend?
Do I really like him?
What’s going to happen when I leave for Italy?
What’s going to happen when I get back?
Will everything be okay?
Will I get what I want?

Meditating and answering these questions (I already know the answers, I just need to face them):
-Possibly
-Who knows?
-You do, but you’re scared
-Yes, very much, but you’re scared of getting hurt
-Why does it matter now?
-No one knows the future
-Yes, of course, it always will be
-Hopefully
For all of the above:
Stop worrying about the unknown!

Everything will be okay.
Trust the universe.
Trust yourself.
You’ll make it through this.
You can handle anything.
You are amazing.

You’re scared of getting hurt. Don’t you realize he is too? Trust in the universe. Stop self-sabotaging. Stop self-destructing. You deserve love. Just as you are now. Own it. Open your heart. Trust and love without fear.

I realized something simple yet profound yesterday.
Whatever I want to be (someday – as I always think about it), I have to be that now.
There’s no other way to get what I want. I have to pretend I already have it to truly invite it into my life.
How do wealthy people live? How can I incorporate these principles into my life?
A) Look for opportunities to create wealth. Value yourself and know you deserve the means to truly live your life your way.
How do fit and skinny people live?
A) Exercising everyday and eating healthy portions
How will I lose weight if I keep the habits I have?? It’s like beating myself up for not doing better when I’m not even trying – doesn’t work!
How do happy people live?
A) By appreciating every moment, event, opportunity, experience. Everything happens for a reason and we all have lessons to learn. I have come too far to give up all my hard work on being a better person.

I realize now that N doesn’t make me want to be a better person.
(I thought so, but I can’t do it for him, I have to do it for me.)
He only made me realize that I still want to be a better person. For me.
Not for anyone else.
I live in abundance and attract abundance of love, trust, wealth and compassion.

I truly love myself.
I vow to give up my self-sabotaging habits.
Replace them with new habits that reflect how much I love myself.

xoxo
Rococo

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