I’m lost and hardly noticed, slight goodbye

“I want to rip your lips off in my mouth
And even in my greatest moment doubt
The line between deceit and right now

Simple math
It’s how our bodies even got here
Sinful math
The ebb and flow to multiply”
– Simple Math by Manchester Orchestra

#np: manchester orchestra (I can feel a hot one)
young the giant
spill canvas
grieves

Still reading “add more -ing to your life”.
I keep having to put the book down to reflect upon my own life.
I’ve read up to chapter eight so far, and it’s pretty amazing.
I have a lot of work to do.

Realizations that have hit me today:
– My life is stuck where it is because I don’t believe I’m worth creating something better.
– I am not healthy and skinny because I don’t think I’m worth it
– I don’t have a better job because I don’t believe I’m worth it
– I don’t make more money because I don’t believe I deserve it
– I don’t have better friends because I don’t believe I’m worth it
– I don’t talk to other people a lot, texting or hanging out, because I don’t feel worthy to
– I don’t have an internship because I don’t believe that I could get one
– Because I don’t think I’m worth it, I’m not living the life I want to, and this makes me unhappy and furthers this cycle.

Realized last night that the girls in my sorority who I perceive don’t like me, don’t like me because I don’t like me. If I liked me, they would and I wouldn’t care if they did or not.
I want them to like me because I don’t like me and it would validate my worth in a way.
I always want everyone to like me and sometimes I don’t know who I am because I can’t figure out how to act to make everyone like me.

With all of this talk about self-love and loving myself, you’d think I’d get it by now.
I need to decide that I’m worth it and to start creating the life I want.
Otherwise, I’m going to be stuck like this forever.

I could make more money, could have my own company, have better friends, have a better social life, have better relationships, get better grades, study more, be happy, have a better job or internship, write more, create more, blog more… if only I felt like I deserved it, if I felt like I was worthy of it.

I don’t know if I can make this change right this second, but I am going to meditate on it and reflect upon it further.

The things I haven’t gotten in life are because I don’t believe I’m good enough to have it or that I’m worthy enough. But I know, this. must. change.

2:26pm
xoxo
Rococo

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