“A white blank page; and a swelling rage”

Sometimes I wonder about if my other blogs become popular that people I know might find this blog..
I don’t mind strangers reading about all of this, but there’s a reason why I blog under a different name.
I don’t know.

Anyways, I tried sleeping; didn’t really work.
But I am in a better mood right now.

One of the books I have from the library is “Add more -ing to your life” and it’s pretty good so far.
(Granted, I’ve only read two chapters).
The first chapter is titled, Feeling: Surrender Then Release
It’s about feeling all those unfelt feelings and letting them move through you.
It’s quite on point with how I’ve been working on this whole self discovery thing.

A few things I realized through this meditation:
-I (have) expect(ed) things in the past to always end, and with this thinking, I assume that any effort I put into the situation or relationship won’t matter because it’s not going to last.
– Because of this, I was subconsciously sabotaging my relationship with N to avoid the hurt and pain that would come with whatever we have ending eventually.
– I was looking for ways to end it before it started by looking for flaws in him. And when I didn’t find those, I (subconsciously felt I) had to do something to ruin it before I got hurt (thusly self-sabotaging, once again).
I realize now that this whole self-sabotaging thing has got to end. I need to love myself.
By not loving and trusting myself, it means that I don’t trust the universe because the universe lives through all of us. I trust the universe has our best intentions at heart. I love the universe for the experiences I have had, the experiences I have in the present moment, and for the experiences I will have in the future.
– Other false beliefs that I’ve harbored, is that I’m not good enough, or I need to be successful to be loved
I need to let go of these beliefs, and recognize them for what they are, my ego operating from a place of fear. I let go of these beliefs to have my true inner guide show me the path with love.
I will not recycle negative energy from repressed pain. I will face my feelings and let them move through me instead of using negative habits to suppress them.

The second chapter of the book is about forgiving. To me, it was about how it’s not excusing people for their actions, but to heal through feeling compassion and kindness toward those you harbor feelings of resent and anger toward.
To let go of grudges, frees yourself from negative energy, and transforms you into a creator of your life instead of a powerless victim.
I recognized that I needed to forgive my parents and other former friends a few weeks ago. I understand and recognize that they were only doing the best they could at the time. I can’t expect too  much out of people who aren’t willing to change and better themselves. Sometimes, it’s hard to get out of your own way. I know that all too well.

So anyways, this is another chapter in my self discovery process. Unfolding my past, my negative habits and learning how to change, let go and move on to better things :)

“Stingin’ my eyes: It’s just a dust storm.
Caught outside: It’s just a dust storm.
Weatherman lied: It’s just a dust storm.”
-Dust Storm by The Spill Canvas

xoxo
Rococo

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