“Oh, oh, oh, honey I need you round, I know, I know”

“uhmm… follow your dreams..
yeah!
-The Spins by Mac Miller

Went home Wednesday morning and hung out with my mother that day.
We baked banana bread & whole wheat bread & it was really chill.
Went to donate some clothes, bought some books, had our hair styled by John Frieda stylists on their tour and went to target.

Thursday, I was supposed to get up early and come back to campus, but that didn’t happen.
Slept until noon and did laundry, hung out at the house, went grocery shopping with my dad, cooked dinner, did the dishes, took a shower and finally went back to campus.

This week has gone by fast although I haven’t really done much.
N hasn’t texted me back since Monday night and it’s probably for the best. I hope he’s having fun.

I worked today from 9-1 and it was storming like crazy all day.
So dark out it looked like it was night time.
I took a nap from 3-6pm and was so completely out of it when I woke up.

I’ve been super out of it lately.
I need to get out of my head.
I realized tonight that my depression has been slowly creeping up on me.
I haven’t been exercising everyday like I should be, I’ve been overeating, sleeping a lot, and also, being alone a lot and avoiding people, not making plans to go out with people and have fun, etc.
Generally in a funk state of mind where my negative thinking spirals out of control.
But I’m aware of it now, so I can at least try to crawl out of this quicksand before it gets worse.
I think it came on because I was upset at myself for hurting N.
When I do stupid things and make mistakes, it’s hard for me to forgive myself.
I’m expected to be perfect, by my standards and when I don’t live up to them, I beat myself up for it.
Excessive drinking brings on mistakes and in the morning, I’m completely disgusted by myself.
I need to learn how to forgive myself and be more patient and kind to myself.
After thinking about all of this, and feeling how it hurts to be alive, how it hurts to breathe,
I actually feel better.
Recognizing my feelings and acknowledging them makes them have less power over my decisions.
Being more mindful and being in the present moment takes power away from my subconscious to sabotage me even more.
I realize that my thinking can fall back into depressed pattern thinking if I’m not careful and I’m not aware of all of this.
I have to live consciously and diligently.
I need to think less (or think more carefully, consciously) and feel more.
I have to remind myself I’m not just a brain, I also have a body that wants to feel.

“Of course you’re alright.. You’re alive.”
(Garden State)

I feel like after recognizing all of this I can get back to making my dreams come true.
I think that’s also something that’s affecting me.
That I don’t work towards my dreams enough.
I have all of these things I want to do, but I don’t work on any of them during the day.
How am I supposed to get anywhere when I don’t start?!
But today, I did start one of my dreams.
I started a new blog.
Not like this one, a sort of diary.
But one about learning and discussing classic fashion, books, movies, etc.
What classics are to me and how I interpret them in my life.
I think this will be a good project to start writing again and to establish my voice.

Life scares me.
But, it’s in those frightening moments that I feel most alive.

xoxo,
Rococo

 

 

 

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