“It’s just me, killing time, with you”

It’s been two weeks since I’ve written.
So much has happened
And so much hasn’t

You can skip this stuff and read
The good stuff: EPIPHANY BELOW, if you want, some of this stuff is just recap of my life, not so interesting.
But my epiphany is :)

So, Friday, the 24th, N & I went to a movie.
It was great. Went to DX, and to FIJI, then we slipped off to go to dinner.
Ended up going to KSig bc A was happily drunk because of gay marriage passing in NY.
A finally met N, as I’ve talked about both to each other, haha
It was a lot of fun, chilling and smoking some hookah :)
N & I left and on our way back, we ran into some people we knew at a party that was spilling onto the sidewalk.
It was good talking to T & J for a little while.
N & I finally got back to my room and we hung out for a bit.
I was in a sort of weird mood that night, kind of worried about everything,
but I really just love being around N.

I worked the next day from 10am-noon.
First day went well :)
N came over that night and we hung out with R at DX for a bit, played tippy cup.
I got kind of drunk, and N & I went over to KSig.
In my state, we somehow ended up going to Village Wok, which I barely remember, but it was fun
N & I hung out at KSig with some of the guys for a while, before we went back to my place.
We made out for a while. Somehow he got the balls to suggest we go farther, but I said no.
I mean, we’re not even official, so what the hell? Does he really think I’m that kind of girl?!
He left early in the morning and I went to work from 10-1. (This was Sunday).
Got home and was supposed to go to Pride, but I was way too tired.
N & I were supposed to hang out, but he had to pack bc he was going to Duluth for a few days (Monday-Thurs) with some buddies, which he barely even told me about before he left.

I thought it was good because I had a few days to think about things and have some space.
And it was good because I had more time to hang out with my roomie, R, who was leaving Friday morning.
N texted Wednesday night for a little before his phone died (apparently).
Monday, R & I went to lake Harriet and I bought my plane ticket to Italy for this fall (!)
Tuesday, we went to the MIA
Wednesday, I figured out all my classes for my major, BIS in photog, english and fashion studies
Thursday, went running, laid out and for R’s last night, decided to go to a gay bar, the Saloon.
We started at KSig after we got some alcohol and I got sufficiently tipsy drunk before we even left.
I met T that night while we were playing drinking games.

Anyways, A, L, R & I went to the Saloon by taxi.
I don’t remember much of what happened that night because everything was hazy.
I was all over the place; ended up kissing A & L (they don’t really count though).
Also ended up kissing H & T (those two I regret).
And apparently I called N to tell him I kissed two guys and a girl.
Basically screwing up everything.

When we got back to KSig, we grabbed out stuff and somehow met up with some people at Beta.
Went to get food and L & I slept on couches in Beta’s main room after we stayed up talking with guys most of the night.
(R’s boy stayed the night in our room so I couldn’t really go home).
Slept most of the day after R left (miss her so much!).
Texted N that night and we kind of talked, but he said he was really disappointed because he’s never had a girlfriend that was faithful, which is hard to deal with, I understand.
But still, we’re not even official, so I don’t really know what to do.
Went to Calhoun with A that day, in our hungover state, which was fun.

Saturday, worked 9-1, hung out with myself and watched almost famous.
Texted with N for a bit, but it was so fucken awkward.
Sunday, worked 9-1, went to the library, read, went to target.
Also wandered to Calhoun, Edina and Minnehaha Falls.
Monday I worked 9-2, got lost on the way to my parent’s house from work,
grilled out with my parents, watched adjustment bureau and saw fireworks (I took lots of photos).
Tuesday, I slept a lot to catch up on all that I had missed.
Watched black swan and did laundry, hung out at home.
Wednesday I started to go through my stuff in my old room and kind of hung out.
Texted N but he was busy that night.
Asked him to go to a free concert in the park Thurs night, but he had to work :/

Thursday dentist appt and cleaned my room
Friday finished cleaning my room
Texted N a bit to see if he could hang out this weekend (he can’t :/
Went back to campus, felt strange because I don’t feel like I have a “home” anymore
Always in between two places, which makes me feel uneasy
Went to target, dropped off film, bought groceries, stayed up watching gg bc DX was having a party and everyone was so loud
Today, Saturday the 9th, I worked 9-1:30, watched gg from 2-5:30, took a nap/did some thinking from 6-8 and I read the A-list from 8-9 and then I started writing this.
Got a call from CAA asking me to leaflet at Warped Tour tomorrow, so I’m excited for that


While I was napping/meditating today, I sort of had an epiphany.
It’s a heavy one, so here goes, let’s hope I remember this all correctly…
I tapped on how I deeply and completely love and accept/respect myself and it got me thinking about everything.
I have trust issues. Mostly, it seems, because people I trust all seem to leave.
So basically, to not get hurt by people leaving, I’ve built up defense mechanisms, like not getting attached to people and keeping people at a distance.
Today, I realized that because I didn’t love myself, that was the “frequency” I was sending out to the universe and those were the kinds of people I was attracting to myself.
So, in a way, I kind of brought it onto myself. But now, instead of blaming those people for always “leaving” me, I see now that they were only living their lives the best way that they could.
I mean, I “leave” people too because I have other stuff going on in my life.
We all outgrow people and most of the time, it isn’t deliberate, but just because life changes and life happens. There’s no need to get frustrated at that, it’s just wasted, negative energy.
There is no blame for everyone to go through things to learn from them.
Everything happens for a reason and if that night at the Saloon hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to reflect on myself.
I believe that I got freaked out when things were seeming to get so “serious” with N & I.
My beliefs about relationships were getting in the way of me and N being happy together.
I thought I was going to lose my “fun-ness”, my sense of independence and my spirit of being free.
I was attached to the thought of being single because I thought it meant that I couldn’t get hurt and I could have fun and freedom.
(Also, I thought that people who had boyfriends were less fun because they were always busy hanging out with their boyfriend.)
Anyways, I thought that since N & I weren’t official, it would be okay to have a night of fun, to get my sense of fun and freedom back. But that ended up hurting me more than anything.
The one person who I can always be myself around, who likes me for me, who I started to trust, I had hurt him, disappointed him and lost his trust.
I feel so shitty about it.
And although, I regret it, I know that it was supposed to happen because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t have realized all of this today.
N makes me want to be a better person. And just because we could have a relationship together, doesn’t mean I’d lose my sense of fun and independence; I would just have someone to share it with.
I know that before all of this, I definitely wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.
And when things started with N, I knew that I had some issues to deal with.
Mainly being able to love myself so that I could let him love me.
If I doubted why he liked me, or wondered why he did, it would really just point out that I wasn’t comfortable with myself, that I didn’t like me.
And that kind of stuff usually drives guys away.
I need to be comfortable and confident with myself to know that I am an awesome, amazing, good person and that any guy would be lucky to be with me.
So instead of wasting time thinking about how he could ever like me, I can focus on having fun and living my life.
Focus on what I have, not what I seem to lack.
And I really want N to know that I don’t tolerate cheating and that I would never with him if we ever become official, because I find that extremely disrespectful and unfair to someone.
If you want to cheat, just break up first and be done with it.
I just wish N & I had time to talk about all of this. But a delay is not a denial, I just need to remember this.
I also realized that my expectations of people let me down because nothing can ever live up to dream expectations. We need to accept reality for what it is, not what we want it to be. Resistance to this is futile and creates unnecessary tension.
I need to be more selfless and more giving with my time and with love. I can’t expect other people to want to hang out with me when I come from such a place of lack of love. I need to be more giving and less taking of others’ attention and only wondering what they can do for me.
I need to be a selfless, good person who loves myself, which then in turn, lets me love other people more, which will make my life better because I will be happier with the people I surround myself with and be able to truly live my values and have my life in balance.
With this “higher conscious” of living principle, I will attract other people who are on the same level of consciousness and thus those people will (hopefully) be people who will stick around in my life so I have some sense of stability. (Instead of attracting people who leave and hurt me).
And even if I do attract people with a tendency to leave and hurt me, I won’t allow myself to be hurt by them because I love myself and I have love to give to them and won’t need their love.
I will be more self-reliant because I trust and love myself more.
N makes me want to be such a better person, to love myself more so that I can love him and to be open to new experiences to transform my life and make it even better.
I realize that every action that I’ve taken has brought me to this place in my life right now. Everything that has happened in the past has accumulated to this present moment. And if I want my future to be better, then I need to make this present moment worth it.

So, in the end, I hope that N can forgive me because I know now that I want us to be together and I want to be happier, healthier and a better person.

I vow to be a better person. I vow to love myself and love others around me. I vow to give more than I take in relationships. I vow to trust myself, to respect myself, to accept myself. I vow to be the creator of my life instead of a victim. I vow to make every present moment worth it. I vow to live, love and learn from everything. I vow to understand that every moment is a gift, everything happens for a reason and to be grateful for everything that I’ve been able to experience in my life. I vow to be open and trustworthy and to trust others more as well. I vow to only have good days. I vow to always come from a place of love and to inspire others too.




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