Have Some Composure, Where Is Your Posture?

“You’re pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger all wrong
Give me envy, Give me malice, Give me your attention”
-Panic! At The Disco (Time To Dance)

Brings a whole new meaning to “shotgun wedding”
Listening to this song makes me want to re-read Invisible Monsters
That book changed my life
And I’m looking for more changes now

It’s a cloudy day. I’m at my parent’s house alone.
(My thoughts are drowning me)
And it’s days like these that are my favorite
Where I can disappear into my head with my stories
(And forget about everything)

It’s amazing really, just how much the real world scares me
I feel most comfortable in my own head
Sometimes, it’s hard to get out of it
And then I go outside
Where there’s other people
(Look, so many people!)
And I get so confused
I understand the rules in my head just fine
(There are none)
And with other people, there’s all these (unwritten) rules
(Society expectations and the like)
And I get so confused and I do everything wrong
(So socially awkward)
And then I just want to go home
(Not yet, the party’s barely started)
But that’s where alcohol comes in
(It’s socially acceptable)
That makes things better
I get out of my head and into my body
But it’s always a weird experience
Because then I feel things
(What are emotions?)
Thoughts are easier to deal with
(Agree, disagree, forget)
Emotions are messy, and they hurt
(It hurts too much to love)
I wish I knew what to do sometimes
(But no one’s feeding me the answers)
There is no teleprompter in real life
(Is this life? What is real?)
People are loud and unpredictable
(Unreliable? Distrust?)
But back to the point,
(Was there ever one?)
I don’t like to be vulnerable and have emotions
(Feel human?)
It hurts too much to feel bad, to get hurt
It also hurts too much to love too much, be too happy
Strong emotions, negative or positive-
Are hard to deal with
(And fleeting, wouldn’t you like to stay a while?)
Unreliable to stay,
Reliable to eventually leave
(This is why I can’t trust you)
It’s easier not to feel bad
(Cause there ain’t no way that I can be happy when I’m happy)
It’s like smoke that fills up your lungs
Suffocating, like water
And no matter how hard you try
No breath has enough oxygen
Still reaching for more
Which worsens your condition
(It’s not good to be too hungry)
It makes you fall
And when you almost hit the ground
The water crashes around you
And the ocean is just so big
(Even bigger than you?)
Suddenly, you’re heavy
Feet like sandbags, chest like a weight
Forgetting how to swim
Water seeps into your lungs
(Burning sensations muffle noise)
It pours into your bones
Like that game you played
When you were Young
Pretending
(But really feeling)
Like your limbs were filled with sand
(That didn’t really happen?)
Gravity pulls you down
(Struggling is useless)
And that’s when it fades to black
(What were we talking about?)
Strong emotions-
That’s what they do to me
And why it’s easier not to feel
(It’s easy not to die, but harder to live)

What are memories?
Do they last?
How do we know they exist?

Do I exist?

“I know, I know
Nothing’s gonna change that
Hopeless feeling I get when you say
You understand and I know
You can’t”
-Circa Survive (Dyed in the Wool)

“All I do
Is follow
Just
follow
this hollow you
around”
-Bright Eyes (Approximate Sunlight)

No answers, questions keep compounding
I wish I was free.

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