Knock Knock

If this house is a rockin‘, dont bother knockin‘, come on in.”

Still sick.
Still can’t think straight.

But it doesn’t stop my mind from trying.
N mentioned twice about us hanging out yesterday, when I’m not sick.
So I guess that’s going well.

I woke up today and I can’t stop thinking about how I feel like I’ve wasted two years of my life since I graduated high school.
What the fuck am I doing with my life?
Why don’t I have anything to show for what I’ve learned?
I don’t have anything to show fall this time.
I should be “successful” meaning rich & famous.
I should be working on a myriad of projects.
I should be earning money.
I should be in California or NY or Paris or someplace other than here.
I’m at “home” or my parents’ house… Why do I still come back?
Why am I stuck?
Why am I still too big for my own liking and not doing anything about it.
I feel like I’ve settled.
And I don’t want to anymore.
I mean, I never did, but apparently, I have.
I’ve fed into all of these societal lies about how we have to go to college to be successful.
About how we need to do this and that to be seen as successful.
I just want to have fun, be free, live my life, travel, learn, experience.
And I can’t do that here.
But I need money to pay off debt now.
Maybe that’s all college is.
A mirage of debt to make people docile workers who raise kids in the suburbs and don’t ask questions.

So many questions.
Not enough answers.

I just want to leave.
I need an escape.

“I want in like a substitute
I’ve been working awful hard for you
But you don’t say, you just hold your breath
So I can’t touch what I haven’t yet
She’s a cold one and it hurts me so
It’s a dark path and a heck of a toll
She could kill me just like she did before

Oh we’d be so free
Happy alone
Sharing a smile
So far from home”
-Kings of Leon (True Love Way)


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