Why are you such a phantom?

God, I’m gorgeous when I get nosebleeds… Not.
Anyways, came home yesterday.
It’s insane how my parents can get on my nerves in such short time.
This is the exact reason why I’m not living at home this summer.
Fuck their shit.

“when I’m alone with you,
you make me feel, you make me feel…”
-Lissie (when I’m alone)

Hung out with my boy last night.
We watched movies which led to more.
I don’t know how I feel about it.
Obviously, he likes me?
Emotions and relationships are so messy and complicated.
I don’t think I want that.

Truthfully, I’m scared.

I don’t want to be vulnerable and get hurt.
It’s not something I can/want to deal with.

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”

There’s things about him that I said I’d never date.
Like him being in the military.
That kind of shit scares me. I can’t ever imagine losing someone to that.

I also don’t exactly understand why he likes me.
I mean, I know I should be all like, “I’m awesome, everyone should like me because I’m fun and I love myself, etc, etc. but sometimes, it’s hard.
He’s hot and has such a good body, he works out at least a few hours everyday.
He’s funny and confident and I feel like I should be able to trust him.
He’s a year younger, but I’m trying to look past that.
Sometimes I feel too big and sometimes I think I’m okay/good looking.
I never know how the mirror’s going to judge me on a particular day.
I’m weird, judgmental and my life’s a mess.
I’m just trying to figure everything out.
And I don’t see how someone can like me when I’m not perfect.
I come off as innocent and friendly and nice.
But I’m a huge bitch. And I demand the best. I demand perfection.
I have to have control in all situations or I leave.
I don’t like not being in control. It freaks me out.
I always have to be one up over people, perhaps even manipulative.
I just always know how to get what I want any way possible.
I can fuck with people and no one is the wiser.
This is my sad life. I don’t think I’ve ever not lied to anyone.
It’s all for the sake of keeping up appearances.
And what do I have to show for it?

All the while, I couldn’t stop thinking about other boys though, like M and D.
The only things I regret from last weekend were the things I didn’t have the balls to do.
Like hang out with M more and perhaps tell him I like him?
I was so closed off that weekend, I couldn’t let anyone in…

So I don’t trust people and I don’t like being so close and vulnerable.
It freaks me out that I don’t even know what he’s thinking!
I like the superficial attention, but when it starts to get serious, I leave.
I don’t want commitment. I don’t want to be tied down.
And if I just go from boy to boy then I can have fun and no one will leave me when they see all my imperfections.
If I leave first, then I won’t get hurt.

This always happens.
I find a boy I like and then I run away.
Sometimes it’s a test to see who will try to stay.
But mostly, I just get scared.
I trust no one and I’m the only one who will protect me.

I wonder when I’ll ever get over this.

[Here are the confessions of one messed up girl.]


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